Dear Hettie
I was in Mexico last week for Philip Green’s birthday party, along with basically all the famous people in the world, and a story’s come out about me and Kate Moss having an argument on the beach in which I said I was jogging so I won’t look like her when I get old and she told me to ‘eat some f***ing carbs’ and threw her crisps at me. Of course, it’s not true, but it’s tarnishing my golden image. What to do?
Yours, Gwyneth Paltrow*
Are you kidding? True or not, this is the best story to come out of celeb-land since Madonna and hydrangeagate. Regardless of whether or not you actually came into physical contact with a fried foodstuff – which, if you did, must have been quite traumatic, I’m so sorry – that’s nothing compared to the points you’ve scored for taking on Ms Moss and managing in one quick quip to make her cross enough to chuck her chips. This is because it’s so unexpected that you’ve got a Mean Girls streak in you. Who knew? Between all that yoga, working out, macrobiotic this and homemade that, you left us with no choice but to assume that you’re dull as ditchwater. Now we all want you to be our new
best friend. You should be celebrating that your corn-fed image has been exploded. I just wish Kate had come up with a more effective way of fighting back than throwing her snacks into the breeze. If Piers Morgan is to be believed, she usually prefers to kick people in the shins. Do us all a favour and rile her up again, but make sure you’re armed with some mung bean missiles.
*Gwyneth Paltrow’s quandary as imagined by ES
